.terrible-taya.

long time?

2011-03-31T17:01:00.000-07:00

my brother Quinten is having another little girl named faith, due in june. Vernon couldn't be happier - a new neice in a new home. i'm so proud of that little boy, i could cry. he is officially a high school graduate, and he has just recieved a 2,000 dollar grant to start college in bio-deisel engineering(i think- it could be chemical) when he moves to vernal with Quinten to start a job as a rough neck.

i'm starting school too soon. i told vernon i would go with him. however, my lease goes up next month, so i'm a little more focused on finding another place of residency. SLCC here i come. (FINALLY) =]

2010-11-08T18:07:00.000-08:00

=] i want to quit working at the theatre.
but it's a little scary. i've worked there for over two years, and i loved every minute of it. i was thinking about it all day today, and the only thing i could focus on was the free movie passes. *sigh*

vernon got kicked out of his procter home, sat in DT for three weeks, and now he's in a group home called the triumph academy for six months. all the way in brigham city. dumb brat. =[

i got to enjoy halloween in vernal. and i think i'm going again next weekend. and quinten and i are going to california in december for pink floyd. and they are comming here for christmas. =D it's all too exciting.

jamilyn is getting married. and i'm excited for her. =]

i work for a bank. isn't that a little weird? some 82 year old man told me over the phone that i sounded to sweet to work at a bank. it kinda made my day. at least no one has asked me if i was 12 yet, with my little girl phone voice. hm.

"well out here is fine, if you got the time."

2010-09-16T23:16:00.000-07:00

let me say,

YES.

life is good. and that's all. come back in a few months, and it will be better. ask me all about it, and i'll tell you. for a long time, almost everything is right. and i know eventually, everything will be right. thankyou. =]

2010-08-20T12:06:00.000-07:00

#1. "baby girl, i missed you. i'm sorry i was never there and i want to fix it. i'll see you on tuesday, okay sweetie. daddy's coming all the way down there just to see you."
dear dad, you're not even sober, why are you saying this to me? why can't you call me when you're sober?! yeah, dad, i'll see you on tuesday. i'll go and get my precious little brother, and go to that damn hospital, and we will look for you for almost three hours, while i have to watch my little brother's heart break. and he had to watch mine.
go ahead and call me really late on tuesday, telling me you were sorry. tell me that you really were there, and it was just bad timing. help me set myself up to have this happen again. because i promise i'll let you. but i wont let you touch vernon.

#2. EVICTION. now what? damn.

#3. no more nik. somehow, i'm okay. but i'll miss him.

#4. no money. EVER.

#5. no mother. no father.

#6. STOP calling my brother a criminal, you bastards. he just made mistakes. but you all think you're to perfect to understand that. he's a better person then you will ever be.

#7. i'm scared. and i feel like i can't call and find out what's going on. i know i can't call. they don't want alot to do with me. but i'm worried about her. i'm so worried.

#8. D.L.M. is haunting my dreams. i can't sleep. i miss him so much. and it'll never get better.

#9. i feel left behind. but i'm Rachel's kid. so what did i expect. just like my mom always told me, and even like he told me, i'm not going to amount to anything.

#10. B.Ray.J. =] i'm so scared of you. <3

oh mother, where art thou?

2010-04-24T01:30:00.001-07:00

Vernon got released a little while ago.

he came to visit me at work on thrusday. it was exciting. and luckily i have an amazing manager that let me talk to him for about fifteen minutes. i guess he's living in a proctor home by the redwood drive in. he told me that while he was on his way home with our mother, he tried to fix her car clock. well, anyone who knows my mother, knows she thinks she knows everything. she thought it was one button, but the owners guide said it was another button that couldn't be found. so obviously, it was my brother's fault, and he was being 'defiant' and 'physically and emotionally abusive'. so his case worker had to go and pick him up.

now she wont return any phone calls, ever. and her number changed, and i guess there is talk of her moving? i don't know really, i've been told that when ever some one goes to talk to her for vernon, she's never there. why doesn't this surprise me? why can't she surprise me?

but anyway, my brother is out, he's going to granger high, he's getting his license soon, and he can talk to me as much as he wants.

=]

seriously?

2010-04-20T15:22:00.000-07:00

so i got all settled in my little rented room, and what happens? the ceiling decided it was was time to hit the floor. yep. we were all watching the breakfast club, and the kitchen ceiling behind us collapsed. shortly followed by the bathroom ceiling.

so we did what we thought we were suppose to do, and we called the landlord. who said he would be there by seven. he never came. we called again, and this time it was 'tomorrow'. he still didn't show up. but i guess this isn't very uncommon, my room mates told me that it was really hard to get the landlord to come and fix things.

so we venture back into the house to see if one of our room mates, Ken, could fix it. but it smelt terrible. almost putrid. then we called the health department, who in turn, condemned the place, due to mold, and gave us three days to leave.

well this is the part where we get our deposits back from the landlord, and that has yet to happen.

so. after i just threw away all the boxes and was in love with the way things were, i had to pack up, all over again. and i was just getting ready to un-stress my life.

luckily, i found a cheaper, bigger, nicer, and better place in west jordan. the only downside to it is that it's a little far from everything. and the house is only like... two or three years old, so i shouldn't have to worry about the ceiling falling on me. =]

2010-03-24T11:36:00.000-07:00

success.

=]

.

2010-01-03T00:27:00.000-08:00

three hundred and sixty eight days ago, i promised myself that 2009 was going to be the best year of my life.

three hundred and sixty seven days ago, i made peace with the fact that i would lose her some day.

three hundred and sixty six days ago, she was gone.

three hundred and sixty five days ago, i cried more than i ever did in my life.

and now, one year later, 12 months later, i realized that i would really never make peace with the fact that i lost her.

i still needed her. and i still need her now. it's not fair.

the firsts of the new year.

2010-01-01T16:58:00.000-08:00

What was your favorite part of 2009?
Viva SLC 3 and the used.

What did you dislike most about 2009?
i lost my family.

What do you regret most about 2009?
i let my gaurd down and i trusted people.

Did you surprise yourself?
oh yes i did.

What was the first song you listened to in 2010?
... i think it might have been out of my way by seether...

What was your first movie of 2010?
interview with a vampire.

What was your first food of 2010?
... well i had tim-tams... but i don't know if they count as real food. i have yet to eat real food this year.

Who was the first person you talked to in 2010?
Nik.

well i got to say that the new year festivities was a success. nothing went as planned, but that's okay. we had fun anyway. we even got to see really lame fire works, and i got sick. but it was still a blast. this week has been pretty eventful:
last sunday i got to go snow-mobiling, and that was so much fun!! uncle darren and i drove to heber and rode around on one for two hours. it was really pretty up there, it blew my mind.

on christmas day, uncle darren and i went to see sherlock holmes. that is a REALLY good movie. and tonight we are on our way to see avatar again, because it's just so good, but this time we are going to see it in 3D.

a few days ago, Royal Bliss put on a all age show! they told us it was free, and inside, and that it was going to rock. so friends Nik, Nolan, and I get down there, and we had to pay $15 and stand in the freezing death of winter. so they pretty much lied. but the wrist band that we got to go see them got us into the Eve festival, and we were able to see light shows. it was pretty cool. the festival was for three nights, and last night, we went to see more light shows, but they were full, and the improv comedy was full, and well everything was full. that's what i meant before when i said that nothing went as planned. so we bummed around down town for a little while, and went back to chaylynns house and watched movies the rest of the night, but we still had a blast.

'fake' chirstmas.

2009-12-19T23:20:00.001-08:00

i just can't fathom that chirstmas is about a week away. somehow, it feels like some little person prayed really hard for chirstmas to come early, and their wish is coming true. maybe it has something to do with the weather. it's hardly cold [for december] and there is barely any snow. besides mother nature being just a little irregular, we are having 'christmas' tomorrow. so maybe it really is fake this year. every one is leaving on christmas day, so we are celebrating early.

but maybe there is still time. maybe all we need is a blizzard and more hot chocolate. who knows? my manager moved here from texas just a little while ago, and the weather is kicking his butt. it's funny to me, because, like i said before, it's not too cold for december. he should just wait until next year, and maybe the weather will be more normal.

i had the opportunity to see a chirstmas carol with friends nik and tim. that movie was a little scary... maybe if i was eleven years younger, i would have been horrified maybe... i think it's just because Jim Carrey is everywhere.

how is that not scary? it's jim carrey's face as a candle, and it talks in whispers. i always thought the ghost of christmas past in the muppets was scary, but she has NOTHING on this guy. freaking creepy.

i get to attend my first employee christmas party ever on the twenty third. i'm really excited. our party was cancelled last year, because our manager was just like Mr. Scrooge. he hated everything! oh well. it's done and over. we are going to play chubby bunny, and throw whip-cream pies at each other... oh yes.

i was a little bugged tonight...

my mom is unbelievable...

i fell down the hard, concrete stairs yesterday.

i've had pizza for dinner every night this week... =[

this boy makes me really happy.

i want to go to temple square and see lights.

need to finish my government homework.

gosh, tim-tams!!!

pure 'bliss'

2009-12-16T22:02:00.000-08:00

well. life's been keeping me pretty busy; and i love it. i enjoy feeling like i always have things to do, and it doesn't bother me to tell boys that i am busy anymore, because i really am. i work alot this week, thank goodness, because i'm one of the only employees that's willing to work this holiday season. i also joined "best buddies," so i need to spend some time with a "special" person. and i am, once again, looking forward to a bliss concert.

Before i say more, i want to talk about the one just a few days ago.
that day, i was suppose to work all night. luckily, friend juan traded me shifts [with a little bribery] and i was able to attend.
next, i go to pick up nik, and we were on our way to nolan's, when i realized i left my ticket at home. dang. so we go all the way back to my house to get it, and we drove just down the street to the trax station, and we were on our way!
until i realized that i -once again-did not have my ticket. DANG! so we had to go all the way back and get it. the doors opened at 6:30, and we didn't get there until about 9:15. but that's okay, because the band that was playing was like a really bad mix between Bob Marley and Elvis. so we felt better knowing we didn't miss much.
Broke City was really good. but not as good as royal bliss. i Bet nik that they were going to open with one of my favorites, save me, and i went home richer. They even played will you wait for me, witch is my favorite bliss song, and they haven't played that at a concert for about a year. so that was really happy making.
after the show, we waited around to have our pictures taken with them, and that was really fun as well. Taylor, the guitarist, is pretty dang sick, and he made sure i was taken care of! he made sure i got my ticket signed [and returned] and he wouldn't leave until i had my picture taken with the whole band. yeah, he's pretty much my hero.
so it's about 12:30, and it started to snow. but we still had to sit and wait for the train, and we did until about 1:05. it was freezing. we talked about nothing, and it was really fun. then on the train, we all took turns naming bands and what our favorite songs were. that made time fly, and we were soon in my car heading home.
at this point, nik and i are eating our fingers because we were so hungry, so we went to Burger King [our new after-concert ritual]. then we drove across the street to smiths for tim-tams. oh yeah, it was an amazing night!
and they are playing again at the end of the month for fee!!! so yeah, the highlight of my holidays so far.

besides that, i also met a boy. and this boy is great. he's a smart boy, and nice boy, a florida boy, a pizza boy, and a cute boy... i am really excited about this boy. =]

speaking of boys, Apolonio's best friend is asking me out on dates left and right... awkward? yes.

ohmygosh! tim-tams!

like i said, i'm excited about this boy.

i got a cool new phone.

my english teacher bought me a watch...

gosh, i hate school food.

i don't like my art class.

i'm only takeing two classes next semester.

"i still believe through the pain, and through the grief. through the lies, through the storms. through the cries, and through the wars. Oh, I still believe."

"wake" comas.

2009-11-28T02:01:00.000-08:00

is there such a thing as a "wake" coma? friend Kyle and i decided this is what i am suffering from. luckily, i had a great thanksgiving sleep at my aunt becky's house. it was one of the better night's i've had lately. i'm trying to avoid drug-enduced sleeps, however, i just end up not sleeping. hence, a blog post at three in the morning. to tell you the truth, i found the NyQuil, so i'm just hanging out until i feel it.

work and people and everything in-between sucks. today a customer called me a piece of trash, all because i was following our rated R policy. well. this made me VERY upset. like i didn't have enough self-image issues dude, thanks.

i worked a whole lot this week. Sunday all the way to Sunday. i guess i'm glad i like my job. even though the new employee is a little (or very) high all the time, one of my favorites got fired, AND, they are letting idiots into management. what can you do?

so, honestly, i miss my mother. i've never gone so long without talking to her. even though she's a little crazy, she's still my mom, and i wear tabu perfume just so i can smell her. Pathetic? OH SO VERY. but she obviously doesn't want to talk to me, seeing how she had her phone disconnected. but who can blame her? i don't...

Bliss is putting on an all age show on Dec. 12!!!

i love Lie to Me.

i want to see the new Christmas carol.

i miss my buddy...

carlos chacon is one of the most annoying boys i've ever met.
[maybe cell phones were a HORRIBLE invention.]

i want to learn how to play assassins creed.

Kyle+Oreo ice cream+iPod+late after work= a happy taya.

it's so cold all the time, everywhere.

"Will you wait for me? i'm so afraid to leave..."

lightbulbs are the enemy.

2009-11-17T11:17:00.000-08:00

i feel like today is the day i'm suppose to die.

yesterday at work, a light bulb chose to explode in my face. and something, flew into my eyes. my manager and i decided it wasn't glass, because i wasn't cut up or anything, and he said light blulbs give off like a powder when they break, and we decided that was probably it. IT HURT SO BAD! luckily, i'm not blind, and my eyes just feel dry. i can see okay now. they're just sore.

besides that, i can hardly breathe. i just got over a cold, this isn't fair. there should be a time limit. "okay, she just had a cold two weeks ago, so we can't hit her again for two months." my nose is tired of sniffling, and out of no where, i'm crying. like i said before, my eyes feel dry, but i've randomly found myself "bawling" without knowing it. crazy, huh?

anyway. i'm probably going to get in trouble for not staying at school today, but i got sent home, once again, by my English teacher. so... i'm home, and i'm going to take a nap now, so you have a better day than me!

randoms.

2009-11-14T10:43:00.000-08:00

woot!
i got accepted into weber!

i dyed my hair red.
then i dyed it back black.

i don't like any of our new employees at work.

Bliss is doing an all age show on december 12!!!!

Bliss is releaseing a new CD!!!!

i really do like seether.

i am NOT excited for the holiday season.

i get to work all weekend. =D

i LOVE my job.

it's really cold outside.

i don't like breakfast.

sleeping in is over-rated.

"And I'm sympathetic, never letting on I feel the way I do as I'm falling apart again at the seam."

2009-11-12T16:29:00.001-08:00

i've been good my whole life.

and i mess up ONCE.

nothing is ever good enough for anyone.

Halloween

2009-11-02T17:30:00.000-08:00

alright, let me tell ya:

this Halloween was probably one of my better ones. we had a costume contest at work. i dressed different all three days, and i'm sure i won.

i got to go two haunted houses instead of just one this year. i love being scared. [while i'm scared, however, i'll tell you a different story.] and i carved my first pumpkin! his name was munchkin. he seemed to have disappeared now though...

Friend Mitch works at that new, small haunted house on redwood and he gave me two free tickets. so i picked up friend Nik and we went. it was fun. they had an organist running around, and she makes me terrified. it was pretty funny, i'm sure.

after that we went and bought $20 worth of candy and kool-aid. then we went to his house to join other friends and we watched Hocus Pocus, The Exorcist, and Halloween [by Rob Zombie]. i HATE the Exorcist. it's the most horrifying movie i've ever seen. cousin nolan and i sat in the corner and hid under the blankets due to past trauma, while Nik, Kyron, and Chyanne laughed the whole time. what was so funny? NOTHING!!

then there was talk of a Wegi Board [is that how you spell it?] and that's where the fun stopped. nolan, nik, and i were way to scared to work with that. i've seen to many movies. anyway. it was super fun. and i'm still in a candy-comma. all of us feel way sick. still. [in all, we had about $35 worth of candy and other junk.]

no one told me it was monday today.

i worked all day yesterday.

i like carving pumpkins.

i love peanut butter.

kool aid.... =]

i got pink chicken at lunch today....

school food is really bad.

kinda lonely.

2009-10-28T22:52:00.000-07:00

I wanted you to know: I love the way you laugh.
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away.
I keep your photograph 'cause I know it serves me well.
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain...

Because I'm broken when I'm lonesome.
And I don't feel right now you're gone away.

You've gone away, you don't feel me here, anymore...

The worst is over now, and we can breathe again.
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away.
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight.
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain...

Because I'm broken when I'm open,
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough.
Because I’m broken when I’m lonesome,
And I don’t feel right now you’re gone away.

Because I'm broken when I'm open,
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough.
Because I’m broken when I’m lonesome,
And I don’t feel right now you’re gone away.

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome,
And I don't feel right when you're gone...

You've gone away:
You don't feel me here anymore....

I believe all that comes from Seether is pure poetry. They know just what to say. All the time. and Shaun Morgan's voice is just Sexy! they are definately up there on my favorites. =]

so uh. i know they are there... and i'm sure they want to know. all three of them. however, i'm just afraid of judgement. and i hate letting people down, even though that's just a talent. i think my grandpa painted a picture to the world, and the world mistook it to be more wonderful than what it really is. i can't live up to this standard. there's only been two people really who let me be me. and they are the only ones who i think really accept me.

i'm horrified of the near-future.

the blair witch project was the stupidest movie i've ever seen in my whole life.

i don't get to work on halloween. =[

i only work two days!

my iPod is cooler than yours.

i really do hate school chocolate milk.

i'm a liar. [and so is everyone else]

i like my english teacher.

i applied to attend Weber State University tonight.

i peirced my tounge.

i really do LOVE Seether.

blogging is pointless. no one cares.

night night. =]

holy gosh dang.

2009-10-18T20:01:00.000-07:00

it's been a while. =]

well i had a great adventure at Disneyland. it was spectacular. it was such a long drive though. we decided to stop and spend a few hours in Vegas while we were there. holy lights. there were so many of them. and you would think that in a place like las vegas things would stay open. but NO ONE was. just the casinos. it's was kinda lame, seeing how i wanted a souvenir. but it was kinda pretty there.

then we continued driving. SO much driving. and when we finally got there, the motel wouldn't let us check in, so we had to sleep in the car for a while, and we weren't feeling our best, but we finally got checked in, and we took showers and went to the park.

it was amazing. we went to california adventures first. and my first ride was soaring over california. it was pretty okay. we went on grizzly rapids or something like that, and the tower of terror, and california screaming, and the maliboomer. it rocked. then at disneyland i believe my first ride there was the matterhorn. [that was my grandpa's favorite.] and spacemountian rocked. that was one of my favorites for sure.

i was SO tired. and my feet began to rebel. i couldn't believe it. i thought my shoes were to small, but we went home one time and took a nap, and after that they were just fine. it was a little frustrating. but what do you do? i had an amazing time. and that's almost all i can remember; just how much fun i was having.

i also got to go to the ocean as well. i don't even want to talk about it, it was just beautiful.

the drive home was a little stressful. we got lost apparently[i was napping.] and we couldn't find a subway. but i got to watch tommy boy, thanks to nik, =]. and even though we got majorly lost in California, we were still able to get home by eleven.

i think this is going to the birthday i remember most. i wish i was better with using my words in person, so i can tell them how much i appreciate everything, and that i love them so much, and that they rock.

well besides Disneyland, my best friend had other birthday plans for me. he bought me a ticket to the used concert. it was really, a great show. i had tons of fun. me, nik, tim, and nik's mom went, and we just had a blast. enough said.

but i guess i could say the that's where the fun ended, because the day after the concert, a huge event took place, and i don't know what to make of it. i could be really positive, and not let it bug me too much, but i'm not okay, and i want things to change, but i don't want to talk about it anymore.

i'm currently sick.

i'm going to carve a pumpkin.

i have a paper cut.

i got a credit card.

everything is cuter with mickey ears.

i'm procrastinating my brother's letters and pictures.

fast food is NOT good.

we are getting a new concession stand at work!

i might get promoted.

i have no health insurance.

i need to be better with my money.

breaking benjamin is the best band ever.

mac. and cheese rules.

goodnight. =D

exciting news!!

2009-09-25T09:24:00.001-07:00

i'm going to Disneyland. =D i always knew i would get to go some how before my eighteenth birthday! we are leaving in five days. i can't wait!

for myself i bought a brand new 160 gig. iPod. it's supercool. i don't think i'll ever fill it up unless i load it with movies and pictures. so i might have to find a few movies i guess. so my whole pay check is gone now... ha.

i'm way nervous for the ACT. i can't stand it. and the book is just telling me things i already knew, but when i took the practice test, i didn't do so well. so maybe i need to find a new book or something.

applying for scholarships is stressful. they all want so many things, like my mother's tax returns for the last five years, and basically everything else. then there's FAFSA, and when i hear about my college friends talk about it, it just makes my head hurt. they tell me it's hard just to apply, and they want everything too. but i guess you've got to do what you've got to do.

our privileges at work are gone again.
new iPods are the coolest!
my car isn't so loud anymore.
school chocolate milk is icky.
i'm going to the used!
i've seen my first episode of House.
i slept in yesterday...
letherby's is pretty amazing.
Halloween!

homecomming.

2009-09-20T09:59:00.001-07:00

well i have a jerk like boyfriend that didn't want to take me to homecoming, and he told me to go with someone else, so i did. =] his name is tim thorup, and sorry i don't have any pictures... =[

anyway. he took me to the fair, and spent $50 dollars on ride wrist bands that we really didn't need at all... but that's okay. we drank fair lemonade, and rode this one ride that let us do back flips and we counted how many times we could get it to spin, but he got sick after the second time so we didn't get on any more rides. at home, while i was getting ready, my aunt and my uncle took off, and i couldn't zip my dress up. i thought i was going to have to dash and find something else, but i finally got it after about ten minutes. that was an experience. then we went to chili's! one of my favorites for sure. and he got the most expensive thing on the menu. ($13.95) and he couldn't believe the bill. and we only went to the dance for an hour, but that's okay, because the DJ sucked and he didn't play good dance music.

well when he took me home, it was raining and i enjoy watching lightning (plus my aunt and uncle weren't home yet) so i drove for a long time and found a field and watched it. that was nice. at 12:30 i thought i should go home, so aunt gae and uncle blake wouldn't be worried, but they weren't home yet. so then i had to try to unzip my dress by myself, and that was even harder! i couldn't find the zipper for like five minutes, and then i did find it, and it wasn't unzipping! it was more interesting then trying to get it on!

anyway. i gotta say, the fair was fun. my aunt and uncle took me earlier in the day and we walked around the little shops and we saw bags, and puppets, and dream catchers, and all kinds of things. even magnetic therapy bracelets. we saw the animal displays and a guy in a dancing robot costume. but when we didn't go on rides, i asked tim if we could do that instead of a movie, and he was all for it.

frozen lemonade... :/
i LOVE chili's!
my high heels didn't kill me.
our pictures are going to come out bad.
chevelle rocks.
i'm going to the used!!!

breathe....?

2009-09-14T22:03:00.000-07:00

i'm sorry. they are good to me. they really are. and i'm glad they take care of me. i just don't want to be left alone. this is my first year without my grandparents. i don't want to be in an unfamiliar place this year... not without them. they were home. now i'm being taken out of my 'home'.

work sucked today. i fell and hit my head, stabbed my finger, and my shin is bruised.

it rained really hard, and i'm not mature enough to handle my fourth period on A days.

i got to see him today!

i finally got new windshield wipers!! thanks uncle blake. =]

i went through my glove box and found 3 different funeral programs.

i'm scared to take the ACT.

my government teacher is crazy. and a liar.

i have wayy to much homework.

i'm going to the USED!!! =D

i'm going to bed.

portfolio...?

2009-09-05T18:52:00.000-07:00

here's some things i was assigned to write last year for a thing called a 'portfolio.' they claimed it was a district-wide thing but they lied. anyways. i don't think it's fair if they have to stay hidden in my hard drive somewhere. so here they are:

___________________________________

She wept. Against her will she cried. Her mind gave up. It couldn’t hide it anymore. She was crazy - not one once of sanity. The screaming tore at her ears, their faces filled her with an intangible horror. She wasn’t safe – how could she be? He was gone now, and she was all alone.

She remembered last summer. They ran, they danced, and they played. They were too busy being kids, being best friends, being lovers. She could still smell the sunflower field they ran through as they chased each other into the sunset. She could never forget the way he smiled whenever she approached.

She wanted to be with him again. How she prayed for their reunion. But she knew he would never forgive her for going where he was. So she tried, and she tried. Her life was empty, full of nothing. She couldn’t sleep, and she couldn’t dream. She discontinued hoping, she forgot how.

It hurt. Her whole body ached. Everyone saw the gruesome things in her eyes. She was filled with pain. She was paranoid, she couldn’t function. She could only remember him, she could only think of them.

She blew her ears out listening to their favorite songs. She was deaf. She could still hear them…
She locked herself in her room and sat. She couldn’t cry anymore, she forgot how. She swayed while responding to the whispers. She remembered the look on his face as the dancing line of life fell paralyzed.

She stared at the sun. Only its light was barely bright enough to represent his. Her eyes burned, and she couldn’t see. The faces were still there.

“My darling, my sweet, please always remember me and what we shared. Always think of me when things get hard. I’ll be leaving for only a little while. But I hope you never lose your smile. Your beautiful baby, don’t forget. One day we’ll be together, don’t you fret. I love you – always and now. Stay happy, stay sweet, and one day my love, I’ll hold you again when we meet.”

___________________________________

Sweet eloquence, filling my veins.

Beautiful poetry stimulating my senses.

You've got a lure I can’t deny.

Glorious ecstasy, and you’ve got me trapped,

trapped in your elegant addiction.

The power you possess is simply amazing.

You heighten each sensation.
Sweet escape.

___________________________________

well it seems the rest of my portfolio got lost. at least you have these two right....?

eh. i know they suck. but... what a blog with out poetry?

September 2, 2009

2009-09-03T13:51:00.001-07:00

well. i had a pretty good day yesterday. it was eventful.
school was a lot less stressful and when i got home i cleaned off the bulletin board [a task feared by the other residence] and i played a few hidden object games. then my uncle and aunt came home, and my uncle handed me a letter from my baby brother. i was so excited. i can't believe he's saying he's saying having a great time at the boys ranch. that makes me excited. then i talked my aunt into finally taking me to go get underwear. and-if you can believe it- i got REAL underwear. lol. anyway. that was exciting. but while we were at the mall we found a boutique for Halloween! we tried on hats, looked for the 'sexy man' costumes and we determined i was a hooker that wasn't working because i liked the boots. anyway, it was fun. well. after that fun feat, we went home to a phone message telling me i have been accepted to hunter high school!! i'm so excited! so tomorrow i'm going to get everything taken care of. =D

today. well. phfff.
i woke up this morning, and i must have turned off my alarm and went back to bed without remembering, because i didn't get out of bed until ten. oh, dang. so i pretty much missed a whole day of school. no, really. i did. pretty lame. but that's okay. i made up for lost sleep. i'm not to worried about it, it was my last day!

but, uum.
that little Halloween boutique made me really excited for Halloween. i can't wait. and just days before, a magazine came with costumes in it too. i pretty much found what i want to be. i can't wait. i love Halloween.

annd.
i decided you guys went to long without a randoms list, so here you are:
i love chocolate milk.
on Mondays, school doesn't start until 8:30!
Halloween really is my favorite.
i don't work enough.
school lunch is bad...

buhh bye. =]

first week of school.

2009-08-31T15:43:00.000-07:00

i'm so stressed out, no one can imagine.
i've been waiting for two whole weeks for my acceptance letter for hunter to show up, and still nothing. i remember it took me two months to get one my sophomore year. way to long if you ask me.

work is no longer a safe-haven. i'll leave it at that.

taylorsville has some of the dumbest teachers i'll ever come into contact with. not to mention that most- if not all the students there are either rich, snobby, gay, or stupid. i'm not going to lie, taylorsville is a great, well organized, better-off school, but i hate it. i guess my fist week wasn't so bad. i can't hide in my art class anymore during lunch period because ms. hunter has a class and no one can get in. and i think ms. aalen is even crazier this year. i think the only 'normal' teachers i have is mr. Mcleran, and mr. schmid. [i'm only saying schmid is normal because he's the drama teacher.]

anyways.
i got a cold yesterday. and i felt like poop this morning. i couldn't breathe, i could feel the phlegm in my throat, and my head felt foggy. so i sat in bed, trying to get all the icky stuff out then it started to bleed. and i don't want to go into further detail. so fin.

on a happier note, my aunt bought me the last book of the Inheritance trilogy!! i'm so excited. i can already tell that this one is probably going to be 75% of "the sun rose ever so slowly while casting a goldish-reddish light all over the land as the trees yawned and stretched as the new day stumbled in like a monkey who lost all it's toes to a deformed alligator because it's mother was dropped into a pool of booze and left there until he was born...' and 25% of the story, but i love every single thing about it.

annndd. i only have one month and two days of being a minor.

only five days?!

2009-08-19T15:20:00.000-07:00

that's just a little to crazy for me.

i went to girls camp-
i got sunburned, it was cold, i cut my hand bad, no one really talked to me, i kept loseing big booty, we had no showers, i had no cell phone service, my ipod died, we didn't do any tie-dying, and it didn't feel right being there so much.
but it was really really really fun. =]

I WANT TO GO BACK TO HUNTER GOSH DANG IT, it will make me happier.

i didn't get to work at all this week. i hope dettling makes it up to me, because he promised us all hours this week. what about me? i had to go to camp-but i was only there for two days of the schedual! yeah, i want to work everyday next week- i don't even care.

i'm pretty sure it's to late to buy a ticket for the nickelback concert... i knew i should have bought it a long time ago. and i don't get paid again until the day of the concert. plus i don't even think my aunt and uncle will let me go because it's on the very first thursday of the school year. but i really want to go to the staind concert. i can't miss that. no way.

i really need to clean. and i think i have a good excuse not to... but. i'm going to anyway. because sitting here just makes me think i'm wasteing my summer. [even though there's nothing left to waste.] merry wednesday. =]

2009-07-31T01:34:00.000-07:00

and there they are. [most of them anyway.] i miss a bunch of long-haird, fun loving, testosterone filled, grocery cart riding, dumb driving, long-boarding, black-wearing, guitar playing, iPod addicted, grubby shoe wearing, glasses wearing [every person in this picture SHOULD be wearing glasses], lagoon hating, loud, 'house' loving, makeyoulaughsohardyoupeeyourpants JERKS. i wouldn't change one little thing about them.

blast!

2009-07-28T23:11:00.000-07:00

so summer is almost over, and i'm doing nothing but thinking about all the things that i didn't get to do this summer that i really wanted to do. it's kind of sad, i've basically done nothing but sit at home. yeah, it was probably an eventful summer; i got to go to vernal, i went to my first rave, i worked a lot, i got my own computer, i got to go to the zoo, and what else...? not a whole lot... this summer i wanted to go to lagoon, and go get my first pedicure, and go hiking. i wanted to go to lakes, and ride bikes. i wanted to go to an OUTSIDE pool, and play basketball. i wanted to just sit and talk about what really bugged me about last school year, and i wanted to nothing but smile.

however, when i asked for most of these things, i was ignored for not being the right person.
i wasn't shown any sympathy.
i wasn't worth a sunburn.
i was only a little late...

but i guess i shouldn't feel sorry for myself- what do i expect?

i think i want to go back to school. MAYBE. i want to go back to the right school. i was looking at the yearbook the other night, and i miss those faces. i miss everything about it. even though they think i'm nothing special, i was excepted, and i would rather have that, then just being good with a paint brush [because really, i'm not!] i want to have reasons to not stay up late, and i want something to do with my time. i want to stay after school until four to finish my homework, and i want to stay an extra two with my twin.

my twin. i miss him. with everything i have. i know it's my fault he's not around so much, but that doesn't mean i don't want him around anymore. i got to spend a little bit of time with him, and he's changing, and i don't know who he's turning in to. i can't legitimately say what his favorite soda is anymore. i want him back. i need to change. i refuse to lose one of the most important people in my life.

actually, i miss them all. Eric, Nolan, Garret, Kyron, Menlove, Michael, Tim... and i really want to get to know Doug... i can't believe they said he 'needs my approval.' They haven't forgotten me! i miss them all. They supported me. they liked everything about me, and they didn't judge me. they accepted me... they were everything to me. i miss them.

i want to go back to hunter...

Permanent

2009-07-06T16:22:00.000-07:00

david cook has one of the most beautiful songs i've ever heard.

sometimes i sit alone at night wondering if i over-react to some of the dumbest things to get upset over. but i somehow always find a way to justify my feelings. good or bad thing - you decide.

some one once told me that this empty feeling and sense of loneliness was just a made up way of thinking to have an excuse for everything. he told me that it was just a great way to call for help, and it's very in-effective, and that i should just realize that there are people out there who care and love me. yes, love [yeah, he had to emphasize]. i was told that i just twist things that people say around so that it's against me, and that i find comfort in believing people don't really like me or anything about me. he said that it's all in my sub-conscience, and that it might seem like i don't, but some how it makes me feel better to think that people truly don't like something about me [make me feel better?].

Then he turned around and gave me every excuse for why it's acceptable to feel this way. how things in my life seem to depress me secretly, casting invisible shadows over my thoughts and crippling the way i perceive things. he said i had very right to blame everyone else for everything. for every feeling and sense of dread i should be able to connect it to a face.

very contradicting, wouldn't you say?

i don't want to blame other people.
i don't want to twist things around.
i don't want things to affect me the way they do.

hmmm. i guess i don't know what i believe. i don't know if he was right and that i purposely bend things against me... or if it's just a load of crap, and that my life really did suck at a point.

i'm still sick of people asking me if i'm okay.
you all know the answer, i know it.
and i don't think it's going to change for a little while.

not for a very long while...
i didn't think it would hit me like this...
i didn't think i would miss his hands as much as i do...
i didn't think i would ever miss how he was so nosy...
i didn't think i would miss waking up in the night because he was loud in his chair...
i didn't think i would miss his chair...
i didn't think i would miss his stories...
i never thought that i would ever miss his hands...
but i do...

and it kills me.

Randoms:
my bank is taking four dollars away from me every month and i don't know why.

i get to see harry potter 6 hours earlier than the rest of the world!!

i need to work more.

i'm addicted to movies.

i like to come up with every reason to not clean my room.

i'm procrastinating my summer art.

i wish i knew how to play the piano.

i want more posters.

my car can't handle freeways...

Ali Larter is pretty.

michael jackson dying is still hitting me hard.

insensitive?

2009-06-27T17:35:00.000-07:00

very much so.

my best friend blew me off today. when i needed her most.
[i tried to tell my uncle, and he said i would do the same thing...]

no. i wouldn't. i would never tell carolina i would spend the day with her after something traumatic like this happened and blow her off. i wouldn't. i couldn't.

and they left me home alone too... this troubled me. i feel so alone... when i went sobbing up stairs looking for a hug, no one was there. well fine then. i don't need no one.

stop asking me if i'm okay. you all know this is a dumb question, because you all already know the answer.

i want to tell myself this is just a bad dream or a really sad movie. but it's not. i lost every ounce of feeling today, besides lonliness, heart break and betrayal.i thought nothing could hurt me more... but i guess i was wrong. i told myself they would be there for me. no one was. so i left. looking for someone, and they lied. leaving me to myself and my self-destructive way of thinking.

that's fine. i can learn to deal with it alone.

i don't need any one.

the only person i truely needed is dead now...

goodbye.

first night on lortab.

2009-06-27T04:53:00.000-07:00

i took it, and everything stopped. no more anything. no more happiness, no more hope... i don't know what to think...

my aunt woke me up this morning at about 3:45.

i didn't understand why...

"how's the medicine?"

what's wrong?

"do you feel better?"

what happened?

"grandpa died."

looooong.

2009-06-26T23:09:00.000-07:00

MICHAEL JACKSON DIED!!

well on the 16th i went to vernal to visit my Brother. i had the greatest time! i went to the drive in for the first time, i went to wingers for the first time, and there's a JB's there! i thought they were gone forever. but they're not! and i got to see the dinosaur museum and a rolled a four wheeler.

lets start with that. one week ago today, on june 19th, my brother borrowed a four wheeler from his friend and we went to a place he called 'the hills.' he took me for a ride and right after he taught me how to drive it. [automatically you know this is a bad idea! i'm a 17-year old speed demon] and the first thing he told me was that the higher the gear you are in, the faster you go, and the second thing he showed me was were the gas was. i knew where the break was and we were off! we were having a blast! well there was this one hill in particular that looked extra fun. so i was in the highest gear [fifth] and i tried to turn down it, but it was a sharper turn that i anticipated and we went off the trail going really fast, and it was a fairly steep hill. then i hit the breaks way to hard. i had three thoughts in the next three moments.
1. "I'm not going to die! I have a helmet on!" as we were upside down.
2. my head it the ground and "My brother is going to die!!"
3. my whole body was on the ground at this point, and the four wheeler crashed on top of me; i felt and heard something snap and "They LIED! the helmet didn't save me! i'm dead!"
well. after that we sat there for minute, trying to think straight, and then i realized that my helmet was almost 10 feet away! the scared the poo out of me! and well... we got on to the four wheeler to get back down to the truck and my brother claims i passed out, but i don't remember getting off the hill so i guess i did. we didn't go to the emergency room, we went home and watched t.v. i found a huge bump on the back of my head and an impressive bruise on my left knee. my neck, shoulders and back hurt pretty bad. My brother's hip and leg were the only things bugging him. after we calmed down and we didn't hurt so bad, we got back on the four wheeler and went up to the mountains and drove on hiking trails through the trees. it was ridiculously relaxing, peaceful, and fun! i never wanted to go home! it was a wonderful time. on the way there however, we discovered that my hair was falling out! i don't want to talk about that. it was the best day of my life so far. it was full of everything worth living for! Pain, excitement, adrenaline, horror, regret, happiness, and i learned a lot too.

well today i finally went to the doctors about it, and i have to have a CT scan and X-ray. dang it!

and when i got back, it wasn't great at all. but i really don't want to talk about that. but gosh it's hard to find sympathy in my place of dwelling.

MICHAEL JACKSON DIED!!
this is a really sad story! I'm not lying. it hit me hard. he was one of my all time heroes. i felt so sorry for him, but i respected him so much. he had it pretty rough as a kid, and he was a little confused and he needed direction. but he could have drunk himself into an endless abyss and he could have done to many drugs and he could have ended up killing himself in a toilet, but he didn't. he lived with it, and he tried to deal with it in a way he felt comfortable with. i don't know why people were so surprised when that happened. [and i know you know what i'm talking about] yeah, it looked and sounded wrong, but we can't be sure anything really happened, and he was rich. to some one on the outside, this was the perfect get-rich-fast scheme. how could something like this not happen?

here's a little randoms:
we got new shirts at work, and i don't know if i like them.

i have the cutest nieces and my nephew is the coolest.

i didn't get to go to the carnival... =[

i have to take lortab, and i don't know if i'm mature enough...

MICHAEL JACKSON DIED!

i like driving.

i like driving with the music loud.

i like driving fast.

night time showers help me sleep.

braveheart is the greatest movie.

mel gibson is a genius! [have you ever seen apocalypto?]

fast food makes my tummy hurt.

any type of meat [except chicken] makes my tummy hurt.

i think i'm going to be a vegetarian.

turning 18 scares me!

there was a beautiful rainbow out today.

i should re-acquaint myself with headbanging.

goodnight!

viva slc.

2009-06-07T22:32:00.000-07:00

viva slc was the best way to start out a summer. if you didn't go, you really missed out. it was fantastic. i went with nik, nolan, tim, doug, doug's friend, and nik's little brother. starting off the show was split lid, and frankly, i'm glad they were first and outta the way, because they weren't the best...

next was a pretty hilarious band by the name of mullet hatchet. oh my goodness these guys. they were some kind of special, but they were amazing. it made me think that they really got great bands this year. i wish i could find a picture for you guys, and you would know what we were going through. but they did amazing covers of southern rock such as sweet home Alabama and the devil went down to georgia.

and we missed most of broke city. the guys decided they were hungry, and we went and bought 30 bucks worth of pizza! geez, there was so much. and i barely got any because i couldn't eat as fast at they were. but anyway we got there for the last two songs from broke city, and then they had extra time, so they did one more. and as usual, they were good. could have been better, but they rocked!

this is where it got really good. the Veer Union was pretty much rockin'. come on, a black man with a mohawk? oh yeah, you know it's gonna be great. PLUS! they were from Canada. just like all the other great ones. such as breaking Benjamin, nickelback, and three days grace. let's not forget celine dion. yeah. unfortunately they were way to loud, and he just sounded like a robot, so we had to go wayyy to the back so we could hear them decently. they were fantastic!

POP EVIL ROCKED! i can't even express how much fun they were. the lead singer was a mexican with long hair, and the guitarist had even longer hair and just looked so bad! it was great! they really knew how to play the crowd. it was great. they were way good. just amazing, and i can't even come up with anything else to say about them because they were just to awesome.

then there was a little band called 10YEARS! you know we had a good time. it was great. enough said.

and finally, the only reason i went, the headliner, straight out of salt lake city, about to release their new album in japan[and if you can pull that off, you know you're great!] royal bliss. i can't even begin to describe how awesomely, amazingly, fantastically, pleasant they are! every one got so excited, and i went with a bunch of little girls that couldn't handle it, so we had to go stand in the back where it wasn't so crowed. they are so great live! i love it! i really wish i was there now, singing along to devils and angels or i was drunk. it was so much fun. i can't even believe.

then we waited for the trax for like... almost two hours maybe. we didn't want to, but we just did until the cop said we had to get on the next one. =/ anyway. then we went home.

the mosh pit looked fun. i wish i was braver with a little more grace, then maybe i could have participated. Tim had to make sure i didn't fall. the drunk persons made it hard to stand, and time literally had to hold me up most of the time. i'm glad he was there, other wise i might have been trampled to death.

the pizza place was... well... heh. $30 worth of pizza and six teenage boys. you can imagine. although tim was convinced we got to much, we all ate, and it got gone... but he still went on about it ALL NIGHT. but it was funny every time because nik got defensive.

and poor quinton[nik's little brother] and me! we became water targets. first it was just quinton, then tim and nik gained up on me. then when i would finally get dry, they would soak me again. it was fun though, and i wasn't hot the whole time!

i got three slivers. a head ache, and a stiff neck. i'm tired, i'm sore, and it's hard to talk. my ears are ringing, and it's hard to hear anything but my headphones. i wouldn't trade it for the world.

scary dreams and ripped wings...?

2009-06-06T00:20:00.000-07:00

wow.
let me tell you:

apolonio looked amazing today. i wish you could have see him glowing when they said his name.

he got really sick today. and i hope he gets better.
[and i hope i don't have it!]

i've been having the same dream for to long. this crazy "J" is at every window. every single one. it's creeping me out!

so. i walk down the stairs to go to my room and at the bottom i see what i thought was a sock. so i turn the light on, and i saw a creature stuck in the spider trap. i can't explain how scary that was. i didn't know what it was at first. i thought it was a mouse, a freakishly big bug, but when stooped down to see it, i saw my baby bird shadow. i was scared!! i called for my aunt and we had to cut him out... his leg is bruised and he picked at himself pretty bad... it's scary. i felt like a really bad bird owner. She's been missing the whole day, but i figured she was just hiding in the laundry room and she would show up on top of the cage as soon as her little adventure was over. unfortunately... her mouth was full of the sticky stuff, and she was stuck in a weird position.... poor bird. she probably needs some kind of therapy. she's been through almost being eaten by a dog already.. she's tough. i really hope she gets better.

uhh. i should be in bed. i have to be on my way to a concert by eight thirty in the morning, but my poor bird scared me awake...

well. i'm done typing. goodnight.

GRRR!

2009-06-01T15:00:00.000-07:00

I CAN DRIVE! it's exciteing. gratifing. liberating. yes sir.

i got to see nik and nolan and kyron and eric and garret today! it was great. together, we blow fire!

i found out i have to go to 3rd period on wednesday. =[ dang it.

i've been having the same dream for the last three days.

we danced in the rain.

they all need haircuts. 'cept eric.

garret's hot in a pony tail.

i miss them bad..

well. i know you probably don't understand anything. but that's okay. you don't need to. today was great. only one wrong thing. but i'm gonna try to be the better person. remember i said TRY. she drives me mad. i dislike her with a great, vast passion. well. have a good day!

There are wolves in the walls!

2009-05-28T22:25:00.000-07:00

sweet.
i got new summer clothes. and i always get excited for new clothes!

i spent the day with Isabel. I miss her dearly. i should make it a goal to hand out with her a whole lot more then just sitting here like a lump all the time.

i should make a goal list for the summmer... it seems like everyone has done this, i guess i just don't see the real importance in it...

i'm way to excited to see my older brother this summer. it's not even funny. i'm WAY to excited.

HIM is a whole lot different than i thought he would be. but i guess i still love it.

i have another sore in my mouth and it hurts to talk. =[

so basically... i think school is over. technically, i only HAVE to go monday!

I CAN DRIVE ON SUNDAY!!!!! woot!!

Neil Gaiman and Dave McKean are my heroes.

i'm really excited for AP art. next year, i can do what ever i want, no matter what.

i like chocolate milk. who knew?

i love our tramp. i love jumping on it with Isabel most.

i miss Nikolas Brody Hunter. dangg.

my mom adds unwanted stress to an already freakishly stressed life.

i need a life.

i want my bike back. really bad! they probably threw it away dumb brats.

i'm off to bed. goodnight!
♥

Angels and Demons.

2009-05-17T15:25:00.000-07:00

on Friday i got to go see angels and demons with my aunt and uncle! that was really exciting! it was a great movie. i liked it alot.

yesterday i got my class ring [thank you aunt Gae and uncle Blake]! it's perfect. just like i wanted. and i got my 2010 hoodie and my car had a bath. =]

i even got a computer off my mom. i think this is an achievement for history. so apolonio blasted it to get rid of all the porn and casino junk that was on it and now it's just like new. so now i'm taking time to set it up the way i want. it's taking my music like 45 minutes per C.D. to upload. it's crazy. good thing i have patience.

i think i'm suffering a period for every woman on the earth. at least that's what it feels like. i don't think i've ever felt so bad. ever. this morning apolonio came and took me for a ride and let me stick my face out the window. it felt so good. then i fell asleep. then we watched the never ending story. now i'm a little hungry...

life!

2009-05-09T21:43:00.000-07:00

man oh man. i can't even begin to explain how frustrating every thing is! it's like i'm constantly fighting a war that no one wants me to win. and my personal battles are worse. and it doesn't help when your best friend is telling you you're basically being a baby. but he just deals with things better i guess.

i find it hard to get to sleep at night. i just start thinking about EVERYTHING that's not worth dedicating any type of thought to, and it prys my mind open, making it hard for me to just relax and drift off into a few hours of not having to care anymore. so when i took a nap the other day, it was completely shocking, but well needed.

i had to take my mom to the emergency room today. she has been sick for a few days and she started feeling worse, so i took her. seems she overdosed on some Tylenol or something. but her liver is pretty bad, and she has to stay over night. did i mention she basically kicked me out of the hospital? well she did, and i spent two hours trying to get a hold of my aunt or uncle so i could get home...

school is hard. i'm so glad it's almost over. it's difficult dealing with a English teacher who wants every single thing i've ever written in my life EVER, a teacher who loses my assignments and makes me re-do them repeatedly, and a teacher who thinks i have so much potential and makes it out to seem that i'm good when i can't even draw a decent butterfly. it's so frustrating.

do you think they would let my check my self into the hospital for a few days? would the nurses let me rest? would they let me take a mental health day when i can just lay and watch T.V., eat ice chips and get a warm blanket when i'm cold? i think that's what i need. then i wouldn't have to worry about making people mad at me or messing up. i could start to feel good about myself and MAYBE i could come back and things would be better.

2009-05-01T14:12:00.001-07:00

It was all a lie.

play!!!

2009-04-25T18:47:00.000-07:00

so this week rocked. on Tuesday i went to the park with apple, isabel, ramses, and juan. it was pretty dang fun. we had fights over the ball, we ran, we got burned. then we went to burger king and watched juan and apple get it a spit wad fight. then we went to see coraline. it was pretty great.

and like i said, on Wednesday i got to go to liberty park for the first time ever and see ducks, geese, seagulls, and dogs. i loved it.

Thursday i went swimming! it was way to fun. i was pushed in the water and my nose started to bleed. so it took me almost half a hour to make it stop! i thought i was gonna die of blood loss. so fun! then when i got home we put up the tramp!! i was way to excited for that.

yesterday i went with my aunt to see hanna montana. it wasn't that great, it was definitely for little kids. but when i got home from school i jumped on the tramp for like... two hours. it was a blast. i love it.

and to day i got to play at the mall while my aunt and uncle went to the temple. i bought a $117.59 straightener! can you believe it? i can't... i don't know what i was thinking. and i got a really cute jacket type thing. yup. i don't know if i can pay my phone bill this moth.... >.>

and i cleaned my room today... yay me.

Liberty Park.

2009-04-22T21:23:00.000-07:00

wooooooo.

i got to go to liberty park today for the first time in my life. it was really fun. even though it was more like a tour. i loved it! i'm excited to go again.

hmmm. me and apple took kizzy to a park today right after school. it was a lot of fun. she ran around and ate grass and played with another dog... well. kinda. she more talked to it than anything. yup. today was a lot of fun. i'm tired.

good night. =]

april 18, 2009

2009-04-20T21:55:00.000-07:00

prom, prom, prom.

DEFIANTLY not what i expected.

first off.

Isabel invited Carolina.

[she's really mean!]

second.

we had no money for pictures.

third.

when we did find money, our whole group already had pictures.

jerks.

fourth.

Apolonio danced with me once the whole night.

[and he just walked away for the last one.]

fifth.

we couldn't finish our milkshake at Chili's... =[

there were some good things i guess..

first.

i got pretty hair!

second.

i really liked my dress.

third.

my nails got really sparkly.

fourth.

after the dance and before dinner apple parked in a parking lot and turned on the radio and danced with me there to make up for not dancing with me at the dance. awwwwwww!

fifth.

i wore lipstick.

some things i learned:

first.

i could not be famous.

way to many pictures.

second.

always make sure your group knows you want group pictures.

third.

show up with your group.

fourth.

wear comfy shoes.

fifth.

i enjoy having my hair done.

sixth.

nails aren't that bad.

it was an alright night.

i just hope the next one is a lot more fun. =]

The Randoms.

2009-04-15T20:54:00.000-07:00

school pudding sucks.

some not very pretty lady can sing good.

bed bug outbreak!! ewwww.

unexpected photoshoots can be really fun!

today was pretty boring. this guy's girlfriend had labor enduced today. just thought you would like to know... i swear, she's been pregnant for two years.

i got to see my grandpa today!!

and i'm still really excited for prom.

PROM 09!!

2009-04-14T21:42:00.000-07:00

wow..
i'm so excited.
yesterday my aunt and i went prom dress shopping.
i thought i found the perfect one and i was going to go after school to buy it today.
so i met my friend at the mall and we found our way to the store...
i grab the dress and quickly put it on for her to approve..
then we decided to let her try on some.
then i tried more on.

then i found it.

THE perfect prom dress.
for $40 more.
so i took a really long time staring at them and a call from my brother before i bought it.
and my uncles proud that it isn't black. =]

the best part is that Isabel is planning on going now because trying on the dresses
got her excited and she missed hers.... so she's coming to mine!
yessssssssssssss.

oh how i look forward to Saturday!
i'm not sure if there's enough time between nails and hair to make it to our
photo shoot then be on time for our movie.
i think i like this kind of pressure.
but i gotta tell ya, this is almost all i can think about at the moment.

besides my next art project!
[i'm finished with my butterfly!]
i'm thinking Edward Scissorhands next.
and... i think this is the only other thing that i'm excited for.

i didn't sleep well last night.

it was cold.

and noisy.

tomorrow's late start day... woohoo!

it felt like spring today!

there was this scary guy at the mall fighting the air and shouting bad words.

i fell off my chair at the mall and went tumbling down the stairs today.

i decided i disliked the color of my hair.

annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd.
isabel get's people really confused in her head.

i'm off to bed.

uhhhhh. easter.

2009-04-13T09:42:00.000-07:00

long time no blog...
well.... hi.

work was loooooooonnnnnnnnggggggggg yesterday...
but i was only there for three hours...
but i guess if you had to do nothing but stand for three hours
you would think it was long too.

after work i went to my moms...
i thought we could handle it.
i didn't want her to be alone on easter.
however she decided i was the person to
take all of her frustration out on.
i was threatened with the state again.
she said to pack my bags because when i got home
the state would be there to take me.
and i'm still here, bags unpacked.

*sigh* uneeded stress.

then apple and i met some friends at burger king
last night at eleven! =] great fun.
we discussed a camping trip over the summer.
but that might be kinda hard.. we all work at the same place
and we make up 85% of the floor staff.
but we are still counting on it. =D

today is last day of spring break.
and i didn't do anything fun.
besides midnight burger king.

but i'm planning on prom dress shopping today...
i don't know if i'm going to enjoy this or not.
we'll see.

hmm..

2009-03-02T14:12:00.001-08:00

working at a movie theatre really makes you realize how "funny" people are. hmmm.

well.

yeah.

i hate taylorsville.

too much!!

2009-02-23T15:20:00.000-08:00

ohhh geez. i worked my self into a hole.

staying home for a week with mono doesn't do you any favors.

i promise. now i'm desparetly trying to catch up...

and i think i might be procrastinating.

ha!

well.... apolonio came the other day and traded

the nice DS he let me borrow for a really

old dumb one... i thought it was funny.

yep yep.

but at least i have pokemon!!

woo hoo!!

and i went to see coraline with apolonio, aunt gae, uncle blake, and apolonio's little sister.

it was pretty fun.

and the movie was good too.

it sucked in 3D though...

so don't see it in 3D. it's a waste of money.

there was nothing 3D about it..

it only made your head hurt.

other than that, it was a good movie.

wow... long blog!!

breaking in.

2009-02-17T17:36:00.000-08:00

ahhhhhhh!

i don't enjoy being home alone!

i really don't.

i scare my self. to easily.

i'll keep telling my self...

'some ones gonna come in here and take me away, and no one will know!'

scary thoughts like that.

and today my uncle told me i had to get over it.

haha.

it was pretty funny.

and apple came over and taught me how to play mario cart the right way!

so now i can play and have fun! woo!

2009-02-16T16:55:00.000-08:00

uuuughhhh...

this sucks...

royally...

i really thought i was feeling better..

but i think better went on vacation..

and left me crud to feel.

better is a jerk.

sheesh...

2009-02-15T13:54:00.000-08:00

well.

today just started and it's already been crazy.

i'm home... lying in bed..

happily just trying to go to sleep,

when i hear footsteps upstairs.

i was suppose to be the only one home.

so of course i have a panic attack!

i started crying, i called apolonio and

hid in my closet under a pile of clothes.

apolonio got there ten minutes later to tell me

there was a big chance my aunt never left because her car was still there

and of course.. it was her.

*sigh*

i'm not used to being left home alone.....

EVER.

then i taught my aunt somewhat to play nintendogs.

she seemed rather entertained when she shoved the

game back at me and said "i'll play this all day!"

... well i'm glad you like it!

well last night i kicked my mono in the pants and went

to see friday the 13th with apolonio. he rather enjoyed himself.

i'm glad.

it was a good movie. more than i expected.

i really had a feeling it would be rather lame,

and maybe a bit over done,

however it was really pretty good.

it's just as good as all the other jason movies;

just enough naked women, sex, blood and killing.

yeah.. it wasn't that bad.

=D

2009-02-14T19:16:00.000-08:00

today.... is good.

i feel so much better i can't believe it!

i crave food! and i thought my body forgot what that stuff was...

and i can eat stuff! not mush! if that makes sense... hmm..

and it's valentines day! awww....

he brought me flowers! =D

that's the only thing i really wanted.

and a good box of chocolates!

not the icky orange crud kind.

and to top it off he got me a really cute bear!

he said when he saw it he knew that i would love it..

however.. it has a particularly big bum..

...

and he's right. i love it.

and for my part, i decided to attempt to take him to a movie...

i know he really wants to go on a date today..

so i think i'm going to try to feel better so i can take him.

he deserves it.

happy valentines day!

♥

ughhhhh. =[

2009-02-09T09:46:00.000-08:00

so for the last two days, i've felt aweful. it hurts to turn my head, it hurts to do anything. i hate being sick..it really sucks.. and i'm home alone.. right this second.. so i'm scared to go down the stairs because yesterday i rolled right down them. and i thought i was never going to get up because no one was home to save me... but i survived.. ugh. and my drams suck. =]

...

2009-01-28T17:54:00.000-08:00

person: hey taya.... your grandma died.

taya: yeah... i know.

person: are you gonna be okay?

taya: no. i never will.

third rounds the hardest...

2009-01-26T20:19:00.000-08:00

so last friday, i gotta say was just crazy. i was so excited it was friday and that horrible school week was over. the day was half done, and there i was, sitting in the lunchroom, eating my apple, minding my own business, and some one threw a fry at me. of course, i didn't let this upset me, i mean.. it was one skinny little fry.. and not even two seconds later, a whole tray of fries came flying at me! what is this? elementary? i could hardly believe that some one would go out of their way just to ruin my day. if that's what they were aiming for, their goal was reached. but it's okay now, i'm over it, and i've decided to never sit in the lunch room again. just as easy as that. anyway. i got to speak to my brother for only about a second. [seriously.] i never realized how much i would miss him if he was gone like this, and now he is, and i'm going crazy. but just hearing his vioce saying 'hi taya!' made me feel so much better..

survival.

2009-01-22T20:34:00.001-08:00

well the first days of school are almost over, with only one more day left in a stressful week. i've felt a new low of lonliness and helplessness i hope to never feel again. it was horrible. however, i'm happy to report i've made a new friend today, wich made my whole day just that much better. he's a new student also, comming from riverton. we have two classes together, and the same english teacher. and, i'm very much aware that i'm way to overly excited about my new friend, but i enjoy companionship. but i guess all i can really do is just tough it out. i never really did think it would be this hard. who knows, maybe this new school will change me. after all, i did do it to myself... right?

NOTHING stays the same.

2009-01-20T21:24:00.000-08:00

Ever.

so with a new year, a new living space, new hair, new goals, and new taya,
she also has a new SCHOOL.
yes.
it was my decision to go, but i have to ask myself very frequently,
"what am i thinking?!"
i was removed from all my comfort zones
and i took the liberty of taking myself out of the only one i had left.

insanity?
nah.

just a horrid need to please..

ohhh boy.

2009-01-15T19:51:00.000-08:00

lately i feel a sense of loneliness somehow. it seems like my friends have lost intrest in me, and apolonio seems to be only one that wants me around. then i have a friend, who has major boy problems, and no matter how many times any of her friends try to help her, we just can't get it through her brain that he's not going to change for her, and she's not even trying to help herself. it just bugs me to high hell when she calls me at night, crying over a conversation they had, then i try to help her, and it goes in one ear and out the other. then i figured she didn't want my help, so i discontinued to lecture her about what she can do to make the situation better, and it seemed she shut down. just like earlier today, she was convinced that she didn't want to talk to him, and she got transfer papers, filled them out, everything, and at the end of the day, i found them talking. she looked rather upset, so i tried to take her away, but she ended up pushing me away. WTF?? then she whispered, "i want to talk to him, please let me talk to him!" talk to him about what? aghh! she drives me insane. after the way he's played with her, i can't believe she's still trying so hard to be with him. arg. oh well. i guess we can't help some one who doesn't want to be helped. on a brighter note, however, next tuesday we all start off with A's. oh boy! :D

:D

2009-01-14T20:06:00.001-08:00

baby pictures of me exist! yay!

2009-01-13T17:20:00.001-08:00

well this week hasn't been all that eventful, however, i got to go see a few interesting movies. two out of three i really enjoyed, such as 'The Unborn' and 'Gran Torino'. Bride Wars did nothing but make me upset at rich suck up girls that get everything they want. and just when i thought good horror movies were gone forever, we were introduced to the unborn. yup. i was impressed. then Clint Eastwood proved he can still kick butt. ohhh yeah. it was pretty amazing. :]

tears, fears, and flowers.

2009-01-07T20:50:00.000-08:00

The last three days have been some of the hardest ones i think I'll ever have to live through. the passing of my grandmother wasn't as big a surprise as i expected it to be... but it hit hard just as planned. i always knew that when my grandparents were no longer there, i would have to go through some major therapy. even if i knew they were ready, and it was the best thing for them, i know that i would just have to do something to medicate the horrible feeling of empty loneliness i would feel. they were more than just grandparents to me, they were my parents. they were my everything, and i don't think it's fair to lose your heroes at such a young age. well, i know that my grandma it happy now, and I'm pretty dang sure i can wait [a very long time] before my grandpa has to go. two days ago, we had family come from Texas and Canada. we all visited grandpa at his home and talked for a while. we discussed the mental capacity of my mother, among little chit chat about chiggers and shower seats. yesterday, we had my grandmother's viewing. it was hard, as you can imagine, and I'm trying to get over the fact that i wasn't going to see her huge smile when i walked through the door to visit, and my mother told me i couldn't stand there to look at her anymore, just because no one else was. and today was her funeral. it was a beautiful service. it reminded me about my childhood and how she tried her hardest to make sure mine was at least half way to normal. it was very hard, and i cried my share. on the bright side, however, i got to see my little brat face of a brother. that was all to exciting, and once again, i was crying. i believe I've mastered the art of shedding tears...